The Day When the 'Emo' Part of Me Died And Other Random Thoughts

I knew it happened when I could not even write a 'thank you' card to a colleague whom I love and am indebted to greatly.

The 'emo' part of me died.

Don't get me wrong. I feel a lot for the colleague whom I am writing to. But I just could not say everything that I want to say on paper. It just felt that the words I started to write on the card were hardly justifying or capturing how I feel.

Let me say this in the worst form of English possible: in my current state of life, I am officially 'zenified'.

In this current zen state, may I also announce in the most perfunctory manner that I am ready to be a mother and I hope to conceive mid or late next year. Don't ask me how is it possible for me to time everything nicely; to tell you the truth, it is not possible. It is a logical decision I have made after considering the biological aspect of life. I have also sold the idea to my hubby that it is in my best health interest to conceive before I am thirty (oh my gosh, and did I say 3-0?) and he bought it. I will be going for full body check-up tomorrow to ascertain my health before embarking on my family planning. (Yes, I am a control freak.)

Maybe action speaks louder than words for me these days. I am not sure if it is good (on hindsight, I am very sure that it isn't good) to run my life like I am going through a checklist. What if I reach the end of the list earlier than expected?

Eastman Kodak, the builder of a billion-dollar company, faced this problem. Upon reaching the pinnacle of his career success, he left a suicide note on his desk before putting a bullet through his head which read, "My work is done, why wait?"

I am hardly Eastman Kodak, so I guess this grim end to life will probably not apply to me. But I guess we all are searching for something that makes our lives worthwhile at the end of the day and like Stephen Covey warned, people could work very hard to climb the ladder of success only to discover it's leaning against the wrong wall. Scary, eh?

So, Lord, here's a personal prayer from me to please humble my human pride and help me to see my purpose in life.


"Then I realised that it is good and proper for a man to eat and drink, and to find satisfaction in his toilsome labour under the sun during the few days of life God has given him- for this is his lot. Moreover, when God gives any man wealth and possessions, and enables him to enjoy them, to accept his lot and be happy in his work- this is a gift of God. He seldom reflect on the days of his life, because God keeps him occupied with gladness of heart. I have seen another evil under the sun, and it weighs heavily on men: God gives a man wealth, possessions and honour, so that he lacks nothing his heart desires, but God does not enable him to enjoy them, and a stranger enjoys them instead. This is meaningless, a grievous evil."- Ecclesiastes 5:18-6:2